So my mom found the two boxes of condoms I bought when I had all the leftover dining dollars 

and she just asked me, all jokey (with an undercurrent of WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE CONDOMS), “So what, did you buy those condoms because you were hopeful?” and I had to play it off all “Oh my god, Mom, as if, it’s because my friends dared me to so I did,” all LOL OH MA YOU SO FUNNY LOL THAT’S SUCH A HILARIOUS JOKE ESPESH BECAUSE YOU AND I ARE UNCOMFORTABLE DISCUSSING SEX LOLOLOL, y’know, but really inside I was weeping buckets because IT’S TRUE, IT’S ABSOLUTELY TRUE, I bought those condoms in the sad, desperate hope that eventually I would have use for them once more and she hit the nail on the tragic, tragic (lack of) head.

I hate 

reading things where one person is all Blah I am sleepy I don’t want to fool around and then the other person is like Ha ha jaykay that’s not gonna happen, tease tease tease til ya ready ta go!!

• Just
• no.
• When I want to sleep
• I want to go the fuck to sleep.
• Leave
• me
• the
• fuck
• alone.
• We can do whatever perverted shit you wanna do later.
• GTFO
• I 
• am 
• sleeping.
• One time I woke up to me boyf at the time pinching my nipples
• and it was among the angriest I’ve ever been in my life.
• Just…
• no
• !!!!!!!!
• Do not wake me up by kissing me;
• (I know some people like that but HOO LALLIE I AM NOT ONE OF THEM it’s like ew why is there wet and soft on my mouth right now)
• do not wake up by playing with my fucking nipples;
• for fuck’s sake do not wake me up by doing anything with my damn vagina.
• WHEN I AM SLEEPING I AM SLEEPING.
• Cuddle me
• spoon me
• whatever
• I don’t give a fuck
• (actually I do give a fuck, I like cuddling a lot, please cuddle me)
• but DO NOT get me all hot and bothered when all I want to do is sleep.
• RESPECT MY SLEEPING HABITS.
• THEY ARE UNHEALTHY ENOUGH AS IT IS.
• Wake me up by attaching any of your body parts in a lechy way to any of mine and you are liable to lose it.
• True fucking story.
• Be quiet, I’m fucking sleeping.
• 

When I woke up this afternoon I found this note from Chrysanthemum on my laptop.

And then Tulip came home for like two minutes and introduced me to her boyfriend and told me it was criminal for me to be home during Drunk Day weekend. “It’s time to get wild!!” and then she winked a lot and told me that she and her boyfriend wouldn’t be home until midnight.

And then Nightshade and Rhododendron got back from the grocery store with ice cream for me and tried to use it to bribe me to go find me some sexxx. 

The worst part about changing all my internet languages to French is that the word in French for single/unmarried is “célibataire.” 

Ugh, fuck off, Facebook, YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE.

I would say that 

a fairly sure sign of sexual frustration comes when one is watching a documentary about Stonehenge in archaeology lecture and finds oneself attracted to the prehistoric Britons.

I love being this age 

because pretty much everybody in the world is fair fucking game.

Oh, you’re 50? THAT’S STILL OKAY, I’M A LEGAL ADULT!!

Oh, you’re 16? DEPENDING ON WHAT THE AGE OF CONSENT IS WHERE YOU LIVE, THAT’S PROBABLY STILL OKAY!! ALSO I AM STILL A TEENAGER SO THERE YOU HAVE IT!!

Also

all the pretty, young things in Hollywood etc.

are right around my age.

I know he’s not a Hollywood PYT but I just figured out that fucking Francisco Lachowski is younger than my best friend. What is this life I’m living.

F

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